4 Walls

I just wanted a peaceful life, but instead I got bullied and made fun of.

Being a Christian and surviving this world might seem easy with people saying, “I got peace when I became a Christian,” but the truth is religion does not protect you from suicidal thoughts and letting your emotions live in your mind rent-free.

From my experience, I’ve been a Christian all my life, but the things that always followed me were sickness, bullies, loneliness, trying to belong, trying to be sociable, because my parents don’t want to be asked what’s wrong with me every time I don’t have the energy to talk to others.

When I first moved to the U.S., I felt lonelier than ever before. I would call my “old” friend on the phone cuz we were miles apart from each other. She slowly started making new friends and ignored me for weeks. At first, I thought it was because of the time difference, but I slowly started to notice that she’d become close to her new friends. She’d post pictures she’d taken with them on her socials, and she answers my texts months later, or sometimes never. Just like that, we became strangers again.

The first time I lived outside my home country was when I met my “best friend.” The one thing I didn’t realize at the time was that bullies were waiting for their next target: me. The first year was hard; they literally bullied me for being too quiet. I was “too quiet” because of the bullying I had experienced for 4-5 years in my previous school before I moved to that school.

I grew up in my home country until I was 12 years old. The 8 years of my life were torture. The entire school hated me for the way I wore my uniform, for my grades, for the pills I took for my seizure problem. The reasons are way too many to count. Yes, I had a small group of friends who I felt like helped me out of pity.

Since I was 1, I dealt with extreme seizures. They were so extreme that until I was 2 years old, I was always in a hospital. While I was in the hospital, my mom slept next to me on my bed. Seeing other kids at my age play at the hospital’s playground always made me feel like I was too different to be a human. I always felt like an alien or a useless piece of shit.

Now, 17 years later, I deal with suicidal thoughts and depression(undiagnosed). I am now emotionally numb, meaning that whatever happens, I almost have no reaction, just smile, and it’ll pass. If it doesn’t pass away easily, I turn the music to a loud volume and try to forget the day. After the years I’ve been through, I now have 4 walls built around me. You won’t see them physically, but they are the ones who protect me from others. Silly to others, but for me, it’s a huge life struggle. I’ve still not healed from the scars I was left with from my parents or everyone I’ve spent my time with my whole life.