Anxiety

My hands can't stop shaking after I ask my teacher for a pencil. I know it's very disgusting but my anxiety has gotten as bad as me using my sleeves to wipe my buggers because if I stand up in class my anxiety will show up. I hate having to deal with anxiety attacks every second of my life.

The hardest part of it is making friends. Almost always when I'm talking to someone I'm not close to or I don't know I hide my hands inside my pockets so that the person I'm talking to never knows I'm dealing with this.

One day when entering the church I go to every Sunday, my parents met with the closest friends to them, just when I thought it was gonna be a normal day, my dad went on to say to them “oh, btw my daughter has anxiety, you know we always tell her to just talk to others, but she doesn't wanna talk to anyone and you know church is not about reading the Bible, it's also to meet others and have conversations with them” and then they all went on about how I should talk more and stop being shy. I hate the fact that people think it is something you can get over and suddenly become social, like what the f*ck do you mean I can just be like that in the snap of a finger?

As an ENFP, people might think I'm the most social person, but even I think I don't fit that MBTI myself.

I hate having anxiety attacks all my life, but it's something I just can't let go of. Sometimes I would wish I wasn't born and others I just sit and look at others having fun with each other. It's just a sad truth that I lived with and will keep living with.